dksince1983

System: Connected
System: Searching for a chat partner...
System: A new venter has entered your chat
Venter: hello
Me: hey
Venter: I feel like Im going to bore you
Venter: but thanks anyway
Me: nah
Me: trust me, you won't
Venter: I really like this guy
Me: ok
Venter: but he says my spiritual unconsciousness is weighing on him
Venter: and if it doesnt change we cant chill together anymore
Venter: firstly, I disagree with him on me being so unconscious
Venter: and secondly he is a bit a douche about ie
Venter: *it
Venter: but I really like him and i said that to him multiple times
Me: spiritual unconsciousness
Venter: he just said "he got the point"
Venter: yeah
Venter: he means like Im not really living life and being myself
Venter: because I dont get to do what I want 24/7
Venter: I live in a very religious household
Me: oh
Venter: but yeah.. I feel like if i dont at least try to change this Ill lose him
Me: don't want to interfere with your vent but i don't think anyone in the world can truly do what they want 24/7
Venter: how come
Me: because part of living in a community/society is being tolerant towards others' feelings
Me: anyways, this is something else
Me: so
Me: he's not religious?
Venter: he hates religion
Me: and you?
Venter: I dont really like it either
Venter: I see it to be very fake
Venter: a lot of what I do in religion
Venter: isnt really necessary
Me: yeah, feel the same
Venter: and that is quite a new feeling for me
Venter: I used to think without religion id be going to hell for sure
Venter: now I know that thats just bs
Me: did he trigger these new thoughts on you?
Venter: he did.. I used to think I was going to die a Muslim
Venter: now I know that most of what I was doing wasn't real
Venter: but I still live with a dad who thinks I need to be a real muslim or he cant love me
Me: :(
Venter: Its alright
Venter: thats something I live with
Venter: not every parent has unconditional love
Me: i admire you for being able to rationalize it
Me: you're a great person
Venter: thank you but I'm not really any better or worse than you
Venter: but yeah i feel like Im going to lose this guy
Me: well
Venter: because I cant or wont be able to be more conscious
Me: to me you seem like someone who is on a transition, and who is being rational and reasonable about it
Me: it takes understanding from the other side as well
Venter: and he does understand but he still says things like I don't think youre truly yourself
Me: he's trying to push you further i guess
Me: trying to make you come out of it completely
Venter: I know he means well
Venter: but how can I change if Im not at that point yet
Me: yeah you can't, and no point on rushing it anyways
Venter: because stranger, I have made a lot of changes in my life and yes, most are internal
Venter: for example I dont follow Islam to the dot anymore which is huge for me, Im open to not just marrying a muslim and so on
Me: what's this guy's religious background?
Venter: thanks for listening btw
Venter: Irish catholic
Me: no worries, it's been interesting
Venter: also Im putting my whole family security on the line by being with him
Me: security?
Venter: if they found out I'd be thrown out
Me: shit
Venter: and if they found out that I was having sex with him
Venter: id never be talked to again
Venter: and I'm risking that and I don't care
Venter: its not that
Venter: it just feels like he doesnt like me as much as I do
Venter: like I told him i liked him very much twice
Venter: he said he got the point
Me: i'm a guy
Me: but i think this is valid for both genres
Venter: what is?
Me: that there is this very fine balance between interest and dependence
Venter: can you elaborate..maybe tie it to what ive been saying
Me: once you start feeling like someone depends on you to be happy (even in long term relationships) it kind of wears off passion
Me: so relating to what you're saying
Me: it's probably not advantageous to you to show more interest in him than he does on you
Me: if he says "i get it"
Me: it probably means he's really aware you like him already, he doesn't need any more signs
Venter: I know..it made me feel like shit to be honest.. Im just used to not saying my feelings and he is the first guy who hasnt physically abused me so I just really wanted to be honest with him
Me: fuck... the first guy that hasn't physically abused you? ffs..
Venter: ffs?
Me: for fuck's sake..
Me: just made me a bit sad to read that
Venter: I didnt mean to do that
Me: no
Me: seriously don't worry
Venter: it hasnt gotten me down dont worry
Me: it's just that i don't understand how this happens
Me: but ok
Me: carry on please
Venter: yeah so I never told a guy that before and to be told "I get it" kind of hurt
Venter: maybe Im overreacting
Me: look
Me: i understand you like the guy
Me: do you mind me asking how old are you?
Venter: 19
Me: so, i think something very positive already came out of this.. you are rethinking your life, beliefs etc. No matter what is the outcome, it's important that you have critical thought and try to reach your own conclusions.
Me: at 19 trust me, but really trust me on this, this won't be the only guy you'll really like in your life
Venter: Oh I know that
Venter: I dont think he's my ever after
Venter: I just think he would be a good start
Me: so if you're aware of this i guess you have nothing to lose
Venter: I dont think so either.. and its not like I didnt go for it and say how I felt about him
Me: :)
Venter: but I got nothing in return, he just told me that I should explore more
Venter: and take care of myself
Venter: and not ask him so many questions
Venter: think for myself first
Me: what kind of questions?
Venter: spiritual ones
Venter: I tend to like asking people questions on how they feel/think avout certain things
Venter: out of curiousity
Venter: he thinks its a waste of time that in the end he doesnt know whats best for me..only i do
Me: ok i see
Me: only thing that's puzzling me here is
Me: i can't really see a reason why i would tell someone to stop asking me interesting questions like that
Me: spiritual questions seem to be relevant and interesting questions
Venter: he says that all this talk in the end doesnt get me anywhere
Venter: that I should spend more time finding out
Venter: and less time talking
Me: you think he means to say you're still too attached to your family?
Venter: yea that too
Venter: he thinks they are unhealthy for me
Me: are you the only one in your family in this situation?
Venter: pretty much
Venter: Im the only female muslim in my family
Me: so what's your plan regarding the guy now?
Venter: Hm, I want to keep spending time with him... we have a quality time together but also, on the other hand I dont think Ill be able to change as much as that
Venter: i find him extreme and unreasonable at times
Venter: and I think he sometimes tries to destroy what we have on purpose
Me: why?
Venter: because hes scared..not that he will admit
Me: of what?
Venter: he almost killed himself thats how attached he was in his last relationship... so hes going to the other extreme he wants no attachment and he never wants
Venter: to be so unhealthy again
Me: oh
Me: i see
Me: is he much older than you?
Venter: so whenever even the tiniest thing happens thats off balance he will bring it up
Venter: what is much older in your opinion
Me: very subjective, was just a way of asking how old is he. Much older for 19 i'd say something like 30
Venter: 26
Me: well
Me: as you've implied before, he's probably not in the best emotional state to embrace a new relationship
Venter: and Im amazed how good the listeners are on this wbsite I just wanted to say ..thank you..noone ever just listens to me so it means more than you can imagine
Venter: and yeah I think I know that... its funny how i want a relationship finally and then the guy i find doesnt
Me: :)
Me: Don't worry about that, seriously. You have a great personality, and i'm not saying this cuz i'm supposed to make you feel better for having the listener status.
Venter: can I ask your age..just out of curiousity
Me: i'm 26
Venter: okay, on that note, Im Hannah
Me: i'm Pedro
Venter: nice name, but yeah I guess if he doesnt love you back let him go
Me: i'm sure he's a nice and interesting guy (thanks about the name btw)
Me: but Hannah, there are 7 billion (!) people in the world
Venter: I know, its just its been a while and he's the first guy ive really had a deep connection with since
Me: yeah, that's very important.. and i mean you know better than anyone how to assess the situation but bear in mind that it's not like it's gonna be the last time you're gonna connect with someone
Venter: you speak the truth
Venter: it just hurts to know that things maybe not work out like i would like them too
Venter: I wanted to lose my virginity to him
Venter: but yeah, maybe its not meant to be
Venter: better find out now than later
Me: so you haven't had sex with him?
Venter: nope
Me: ok, was pretty sure you had from what you said earlier
Me: either way it's irrelevant i guess
Venter: what had i said
Me: Venter: and if they found out that I was having sex with him Venter: id never be talked to again
Venter: oh yeah I meant if I started
Venter: like I said
Me: yap
Venter: I was a pretty serious muslim
Me: do you think you'd be in physical danger
Venter: something I never told him that besides the guy who used to force me to kiss him which I dont know if it counts he was my first kiss
Venter: I didnt tell him cause I was embarassed
Me: where i live some muslim women are beaten up because they date non-muslims ..
Venter: my family wouldnt beat me up for that.. i rarely get hit
Venter: but thats just physical
Me: yeah
Venter: lol your listening made me cry.. i know, pathetic..I hardly ever do
Me: wow :)
Me: why? you deserve a listener!
Venter: thanks but I tend to do the listening and regarding this guy who can I really talk to about him..my friends dont think Im ever affected by anything and my family doesnt know
Me: so you're the strong friend who listens and gives advice all the time
Venter: I dont know I couldnt tell you.. all I know is i try my best to be there for people
Me: :)
Venter: but yeah I feel better all though Im not sure what to do about this guy
Venter: part of me wants to hit him the other part hug him
Me: well, whatever you do, be sure to safeguard yourself. I'm sure you'll be alright. You're a smart person. This doesn't mean you won't have to suffer at some point but that's all part of the human conditions.
Me: condition*
Venter: thanks Pedro
Venter: is there anything you want to get off your chest
Me: well, in short, yes, but i don't think it makes sense for you to take it, you have enough to worry about
Venter: Nah its coo;
Venter: cool
Venter: Id love to at least hear it if you like
Me: :)
Venter: even if all i may be able to do is listen
Me: ok so i have a big problem with self-esteem and self-love
Me: thing is i hide it fantastically well
Venter: how so
Me: i put up an act socially and i seem pretty confident and am in general in control
Me: but i can't really get to raise my self-love
Me: i don't know Hannah
Me: it's complex, i have no idea
Venter: hm, I do think we humans tend to have a small amount of idea where it stems from or what its about
Venter: for example is it due to ypur appearance or more your personality?
Me: i think both... but to be honest i don't think that i'm a bad looking guy or that i'm unpleasant. I think it's more that i think i'm just awkward, and that other people might notice it and feel uncomfortable.
Me: but at this age i would expect this to have gone away but it hasn't
Venter: well I dont know you obviously, Pedro but I can say this you have a tremendous heart and are very mature. Personality wise far ahead most 30 year olds
Venter: and maybe do something about it
Venter: even if it just means being more aware of the situations you feel awkward in and your feelings toward them
Me: :)
Me: i think i'm a chronic overthinker, i've had a very analytic education etc. Anyways well i'm sure i'll be fine. Thank you for your kind words :)
Venter: I think so too
Venter: just relax and take things as they come
Venter: advice I should also be following
Me: heheh
Venter: also Im sorry if i overused my listening time
Venter: I was Kanye and listening time was Taylor at those awards
Me: hahah
Me: no
Me: seriously you deserved it, it was something very legitimate to rant about
Me: i'm glad it was me that listened
Venter: Oh me too... if you lived in the area I would have invited you round for a meal
Me: hehe :)
Me: i guess you're in the US or UK, right?
Venter: bit of both really
Venter: but currently US
Venter: and yourself
Me: between Portugal and Germany
Me: portuguese though
Venter: dont tell me you speak German
Me: naturlisch
Venter: haha loving the isch
Me: :D
Venter: i was born there
Me: haha
Me: where?
Venter: Munich
Me: miss it?
Venter: sometimes but I like it here too
Venter: do you have a gf
Me: yeah
Me: sleeping right next to me
Venter: thats sweet
Me: :)
Venter: Im happy for you.. dont ever take the being able to openly have gf's and spending time with them for granted
Me: you're right
Me: how the fuck are you so mature at 19?
Me: you're 35 aren't you?
Me: :)
Venter: no 19 I swear
Venter: I guess its because I grew up very fast and lived a very different way than most
Me: yeah, from what you told me so far it would fit
Venter: but thats just life, it has no real effect on me or my future
Venter: do you study
Me: yeah
Me: kind of boring stuff tbh
Venter: what
Me: i'm a soon to be engineer
Me: electronics
Venter: Oh wow
Venter: Im chemical
Me: chem engineer?
Me: hehe
Venter: yeah.. planning on doing my bachelors in chem, masters in bio then med school
Me: sounds like a very interesting academic path
Venter: whatever feels right you know
Venter: any children?
Me: no
Me: have a younger brother though, i'm 19 years his senior
Me: good to be someone's hero by default
Venter: thats quality, siblings can be quite enriching
Me: do you have siblings?
Venter: I do, two brothers
Venter: Im in the middle
Me: good relationships
Me: have a sister too
Me: 2 years younger
Venter: Nice, and yes for the most part
Venter: my brothers and my mom are quality
Me: :)
Me: are your bros religious as well?
Venter: No, they are allowed to do what they want
Venter: they may even date
Me: shit..
Me: no disrespect but i feel a bit angry with religions that discriminate by genre
Me: and i include catholicism in this as well..
Venter: None taken,and yes its bs.. noone should be discriminated on the basis of something outside of their control
Me: exactly
Me: you seem like someone who would be a redditor
Me: are you?
Venter: what is that
Me: hehe
Me: www.reddit.com
Me: doesn't seem great at first
Me: but it's worth the investment
Venter: alright, I shall check it then
Me: i'd say it's a world forum
Me: for all subjects
Venter: Ill find out if Im a redditor:)
Me: :)
Venter: but yeah, how does it feel to fall asleep nect to a person you love..nice right
Me: feels incredible but it's something you take for granted after a while
Me: like everything else
Venter: yeah I feel you
Me: but it's like a nest.. a safe haven.. no matter wtf happens during your day it's irrelevant after a warm shower and the comfort of spooning
Venter: that sounds beautiful... I hope you never stop showing love
Me: :)
Me: at 19 i dated a girl
Me: for 6 years i dated her
Me: was pretty sure she'd be the one
Me: something happened
Me: and she broke up
Me: then i was pretty sure i'd never find another girl who would make me even reach close to the level of empathy i had with my ex-gf
Me: and love
Me: but after 6 months i found a girl like that
Me: and well it's been a year since we've dated and everything's great
Venter: and you obviously did.. and yeah even those 6 years cant have been a total waste
Me: so basically this to say: we go through phases in which we're pretty sure of shit.. but we're just kids learning about everything. Us, others, society, the Universe.
Me: Nothing's written on stone..
Venter: yeah... things arent static and one should be thankful for what you had and have .. i mean 6 years of love and then another good relationship
Venter: sounds like a pretty good deal, Pedro
Me: I can't complain Hannah
Me: but it's like it's something very rare
Venter: yeah
Me: it's not*
Venter: Oh youd be surprised
Venter: or maybe it is
Venter: and Im just not there yet
Me: pretty sure that's it
Me: you're young as fuck
Me: i'm young as fuck
Me: you're even more
Venter: haha yeah and funnily enough sometimes I think Im not capable of really loving someone
Me: heheheh
Me: you can't imagine how many times i've heard friends of mine (guys and girls) telling me this :)
Me: and 6 months, 1 year, 3 years after they're completely in love
Venter: maybe youre right
Me: do you live in a suburb?
Venter: yeah
Venter: why
Me: i've never lived in a suburb but from what i've gathered it's not the most socially dynamic environment
Venter: I love close to the city thought too.. I dont think its really the place you live in its more who youre living with and how youre living
Me: true
Me: what i meant to say was that some environments are more favorable than others regarding emotional recycling
Me: not sure if this makes any sense
Me: to you
Venter: yeah I think it does.. some environments are more suiyable to thrive in than others
Venter: *suitable
Me: ya, in specific concerning love matters
Venter: as long as Im in a safe environment I can love
Me: somehow i find that very sweet
Venter: its how i feel.. i dont know sometimes i wish i could live more free have a healthy open relationship with a guy be able to share myself completely, mentally physically whatever..without any guilt or whatever
Venter: but then i think.. i could be living like that.. im just not doing it
Me: i'm pretty sure you know there's nothing to feel guilty about
Me: so that's a start
Venter: I feel guilty lying
Me: sure you can feel like you're disappointing your parents (or dad), but i think there's a golden rule here: in case of doubt it's better to disappoint others than to disappoint yourself
Me: ok so you'd don't really picture you have a conversation with your family about this? coming out with your doubts about your beliefs and life philosophy?
Venter: not unless i want to be leaving their household
Me: my grandma didn't talk to me for 2 years
Me: when i told the family i wasn't religious
Venter: how hardcore were they
Me: grandma a lot, parents not that much
Me: once i dyed my hair orange
Me: just for fun
Me: when i got close to my grandma
Me: she held a christian cross against me and called me a demon
Me: told me to get out of her house
Venter: thats crazy
Me: haha, still makes me laugh nowadays
Me: yeah but i always tried to reason with her.. but i mean we're talking about an old lady
Me: it's different in your case
Me: but i grew up going to church every day and well praying every night before falling asleep
Venter: evert day
Venter: wow
Me: yeah but even as a kid i thought it was a bit of nonsense
Me: always was a bit weary of things that seemed too perfect
Venter: I was different .. upuntil last year
Venter: I was a 100 percent convinced
Venter: I was superdevoted to my parents
Venter: there to make them proud
Venter: I never questioned that all of this may not be right
Venter: I was so deeply into it
Venter: its funny how I just realized recently that a lot of physical abuse I put up with should not have happened
Venter: it was unnecessary and built on people's egos and not on reality
Me: i don't understand the physical abuse / religious zeal relationship
Venter: its just about obedience really
Venter: you disobey you get punished
Venter: and it builds up your dependence
Me: shit..
Venter: just imagine someone tying you down beating you telling you through the whole thing that they love you and are doing it for you, then making you kiss them and being all tender with you
Venter: it fucks you up inside
Me: fuck..
Me: i can't fucking believe this happens in the world right now
Me: i mean .. im sure they dont mean bad
Me: its just that they don't know better i guess
Venter: and I dont mean to shock you with this or bring about any effect Im just telling you what its like...and yeah they dont know better usually
Me: so
Me: no matter what happens
Me: this guy will be very important to you anyhow
Me: he basically started this process
Venter: exactly right and I guess we shall see what happens
Venter: Im getting tired Pedro
Me: rest well :)
Venter: Not trying to bail on you or anything..this has been amazing
Me: haha no.. no worries
Venter: youre a great human being and just look around and see all of what you got..no way will you be suffering from low self love after youve counted all your blessings
Me: thank you Hannah, but i think it's something very deep i have.. i should do some psychanalysis sessions or something.. should be interesting
Me: well and i'm really not worried about you
Me: kind of curious of what will happen (or rather HOW it will happen)
Me: but not worried at all
Me: you've been an interesting venter
Venter: thanks, and all i can say is ill live and find out
Venter: do the same
Me: deal
Venter: and we shall reconnect some time soon, if its only subconsciously
Venter: night night
Me: see you :) have a nice life!
Venter: you too

dksince1983

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